She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Being a mother was something I wasn’t sure I wanted. Being married was the thing I desperately desired … but because I felt like that may even be impossible, I never let myself daydream of motherhood. Never. Maybe because deep down I knew “they” wouldn’t think it was a good idea. And by “they” I mean, physicians.
And they didn’t. At my exit interview with Scottish Rite (children’s hospital) I’ll never forget the Doctor who came in to discuss sex. She was female & I’m assuming an OBGYN? I had never met her before & wasn’t particularly interested in having this conversation with a total stranger … but regardless, she was going to whether or not I was ready. So we did & she told me with my condition, broken spine, weakened system, sensitive bladder & 1 kidney … bearing children “would not be wise.”
So at 18 years old I built a very strong wall around my heart, telling myself over & over I didn’t care if I couldn’t have children. I wasn’t even dating, had never dated … I’ll probably never marry … so having children will definitely not be an issue.
For years I guarded my heart. Years. Stones placed down with each passing day, “You don’t want children. You don’t need them & how will you ever take care of them when you can barely care for yourself?” And the stones grew higher & higher & higher ….
That’s right, I married the most perfect man that ever lived. A man that would be an amazing father. A man that SHOULD BE a father. A man that would raise incredible God-fearing, people loving, hard working children … A man that would be the best dad in the world.
And I couldn’t give that to him. But he married me anyway.
So with our union, the floods of love came in & washed the stones away.
My heart has never felt more longing than it does now to have children. Tears stream down my cheeks as I share this, because I had no idea I ever wanted them. But I do. Even today, I cried to my sister saying out loud that I wish I could be a mother … I’ve never done that with anyone before. But the longing is real & my heart would absolutely explode to have a little red-headed boy who was silly, talented & fun just like his dad. Or a little dark-headed girl (I often imagine she would look like me) that would be sassy, girly & so loving.
But that hasn’t been God’s plan so far. In fact, we’ve had the hardest year of our lives & I’ve never felt more ill-equipped & inadequate as a woman, let alone a mother.
And when I think about “mothers,” I of course reminisce about my own. She is perfect. I mean it. A little much at times (& the apple doesn’t fall far, believe me) … but PERFECT.
If you’ve met Donya, you would never forget her. Her face is strikingly beautiful, but what is even more stunning is her heart. That personality is larger than life, too! And her laugh makes anyone laugh right along wither her, even if you don’t get the joke … & her smile is the best. Her cooking … oh my gosh … you would die. Wait no, HER BAKING you would die!!!
She is the quintessential picture of a practically perfect mother. A woman that “surpasses them all.”
And when I was in the hospital for a month, she was there every single day. She never left my side. In fact, I begged her not to. I couldn’t face that surgery, that terrible season, without her. Her mere presence brings comfort to my frail & afraid heart. She took me over when I crumbled getting up & down on the hospital bed. She grabbed my shoulders & laid me down when I fell apart, as I watched my urine turn to blood.
I couldn’t handle it … so she did.
I’ll never be able to repay her for all she has done. She’s loved my husband as her own son … & they love to cook / bake together. And I LOVE watching it.
So longing for motherhood is easy, when you were raised by the perfect mother. She is everything I want to be as a woman, a wife & a mother. And she’s always told me I can do anything I set my mind to … so maybe, just maybe, God has a plan for this new longing in my heart.
I mean, He gave me the greatest husband. Maybe He’ll do something about this, too. Maybe He won’t … & if He doesn’t, that is ok. I am blessed beyond measure, truly. I have a miracle marriage, I am out of the hospital now 6 weeks & I have 3 gorgeous fur-babies that adore me.
PLUS … I have the perfect mother to love, appreciate & learn from. Except she hates dogs, so I don’t take her advice in that area. 😉 LOL!
I love you Donya. You’re my angel, very best friend & hero. I hope you know YOU are the reason I want to be a mother.