Where is the hope?
This world has been looking for a Savior since the beginning. We have lived under this weight of discord, greed, anger, loneliness & brokenness for so long. We all have lived under this… And a few of us had the glorious opportunity to be apart of a new hope in the midst of the pain. A hope that is unlike ANY other. One that frees you, loves you, accepts you & has a plan for you.
My own journey has led me to this hope. Even 32 years ago, there was hope for me… And it wasn’t found in Doctors & treatments, no, it was found in the hearts of the people who raised me … Because they too, had been led to hope.
My mother has watched me try to handle managing my disability for a few years. She has been the ear I needed when I’m like — “AND THEN THEY SAID, THEY CANT HELP ME!!!” She just softly replies, “Baby, they have always said that. You just never knew it.”
I had another moment like that yesterday. A new little issue they want me to watch … Be aware of … Be afraid of.
Hypertension is the leading cause of kidney failure. I know this because well, of my resume. And apparently, hypertension is one more thing my Physicians want me to carry in my head.
Chronic pain causes your diastolic blood pressure to be elevated. Mine has been climbing for a couple of years now. But yesterday, both numbers were high. And the month before that. And the month before that.
All the doctor had to say was, “Holly, your kidney.” I put my hand out & said, “yes sir I know.” Then he lectured me again about working, pushing my body too hard, too far… And not taking the time to rest.
I get it. I really do. I am a bright, adventurous girl trapped in a body that just, can’t. That’s always been my story. And somewhere deep inside me it has seemed, unfair & hopeless.
I’ve tried so hard to fight this month, find alternative therapies to help with pain. Instead of lying down & taking medications, I have frozen, I have floated on salty waters … I have signed up for yoga, conducted deep breathing exercises & cut down my hours at work. I sincerely have tried so hard to do this new season well.
I have said no, “I won’t – I can’t. I still want to be me.” But they have relentlessly advised, “you cannot live in this much pain without some help.”
So now, here I am. Still hurting, still crying, still struggling. Starting to see what not treating my pain will do … It will cause my blood pressure to rise … And it may bring other serious troubles later.
Instead of calling anyone after the appointment, I just texted my husband & parents, simply asking for their prayer.
As I walked back to my truck, I couldn’t stop asking myself … Where is the hope? Where is the place this broken body can “be” & still be who He has called me to be? What do I do now? Take morphine, to potentially save my only kidney? What kind of solution is that?
In this moment of my life, I am tempted to feel depressed, alone … Like this life I have to live no longer has any hope. Maybe when I was 4 & stunned family & friends (even doctors) with my first steps. The little girl who was destined to be a vegetable, got up & defeated the struggle. Wow. He was with me even then, wasn’t He? I did the impossible … Through Him. He enabled me. He always has & always will.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
I was thinking about Jesus & His sacrifice today as I floated on the salty waters. His pain was far greater than the pain I am in. He struggled too, in the garden – asking God to let this pass. That comforts me today. Knowing that it is ok to hurt & ask God to please … Just let this pass. Don’t make me do this. Please, take this away.
But when it was clear that was the road set before Him, He went bravely into deepest waters to once & for all conquer the darkness… So we wouldn’t have to.
There is the hope. It’s in Him. The man that was crushed for all affliction. Beaten for all of our greed, selfishness, brokenness. And sacrificed for all of our salvation & hope.
It’s no coincidence Thursday happened the way it did. And Thursday was not such a good day for me, but today – today is good.
Today is symbolic of the sacrifice God made for hope. Today has reminded me that sometimes, though the cross be heavy – it is necessary. For our ultimate healing & His glory.
Thankfully, the cross isn’t where it ends – it’s only the beginning. And like my Dad always says, Sunday’s comin’ … A bright & glorious day of hope. ☀️