I can’t sleep. I actually haven’t had a good night’s rest in days. Winding down takes FOR-E-VER with me (said in my best Sandlot voice). Edward says I need about 4 hours of “no thinking” to even become REMOTELY ready to sleep … and … he’s right. I haven’t received adequate down time, in a long time actually. Last summer I took off 6 weeks to rejuvenate from leaving one job, to start another … Oh man, THAT was a life I could get used to. I didn’t have a care in the world, except to swim by day and love my husband by night. Sure there were still some serious pain-moments, but the point is … I was at peace. I didn’t have to wake up and feel the guilt of asking my husband to please help me with my shoes and braces. I didn’t have to go through all of the pain in just getting ready for work, and then deal with even more pain at work. It truly was a nice moment in my life, especially considering the decline of my health.
Tonight, I was just lying in the bathtub, feeling exhausted, but of course – my mind went wild. My thoughts are just about any place they could ever be these days. I start off thinking about washing my face, then finally get to the point where I can relax … THEN I turn the iPad on & watch Fixer Upper, naturally … but still, I’m stressed. There’s always that quiet voice in the back of your head causing worry, and concern. I worry about work, I actually worry about working at all these days … I worry about insurance-loss if I were to stop … I worry about the program I work for, and would want to make sure they were settled before I left … but then, I worry about leaving. Do I really want to stop working and give up every independence I fought SO hard for? I just … worry.
She will be upset to read this, but that is definitely a Donya-trait 😉 — LOVE YOU MOM. My dad has lectured she and I for YEARS saying to stop trying to control everything, let it go, trust in the Lord and don’t try to handle your life all in this moment.
And that wisdom came flooding back to me while I laid in the hot bath. I thought, “Holly, S T O P! Look around you. Look at what He has done, what HE has given … Look at how far you’ve come. Look at your life and be grateful.” I remember reading a blog of Joanna Gaines’ once, and she talked about this moment of spending time alone in a garden, where she felt the Lord was impressing upon her to leave that little shop on Bosque, in Waco, Texas and just be there with her growing family. I thought about her as I counseled myself this evening. And then a funny thing happened.
I asked the Lord could He not impress upon my heart, just in the way He did for Joanna? I asked him to speak to me, too. No, I don’t have children to raise, but I do have a chronic condition that is becoming more and more of a headache these days. So please, tell me what to do. Tell me who I am supposed to be, and what I am supposed to be accomplishing. PLEASE, just tell me.
Then, a sweet movie trailer played during the commercials, “Miracles From Heaven” and guess what song was in the background?? “Fight Song.”
Coincidence? NO. The Lord is with you WHEREVER you may go. I taught that to about 50 teenage girls one year at church camp. I read them my favorite scripture in all the Bible, Psalm 139 and told them how creepy the sovereignty of God actually is … because even when you do not acknowledge His presence, HE is still MORE present than we are.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me.
So this is my thought, on this dreary sleepless night in Burleson, Texas … Maybe God doesn’t want to tell me WHAT to do. Maybe all He asks of me is to know that He is here, in every moment of my life. Maybe all He desires to see from me is my undying devotion to Him, and my UNRELENTING FIGHT for joy. I think that’s all He wants from me. I also think, He’s stirring my heart right now … and it’s frustrating to have an excited heart, but a confounding body. I cannot tell you how frustrating it is. But … #choosejoy right? Be grateful for what you have, instead of bitter for what you don’t have, because THAT is the ultimate thief of all joy.
So whether or not I continue to work full-time, that’s not really my question anymore … my next question is, where will I hear from Him next? That is all I want in this difficult season. I just want His voice. I only desire His presence. I want Him, I need Him. I know His hand will guide me … wherever I may end up.
Sweet, sincere dreams … Holly