I have struggled with surrender my entire life. The mere thought of “giving up” in a hard-fought battle angers me … and it only ignites a deeper fire, resulting in greater effort to CONTINUE fighting. Even when there is no fight left in me.
A couple years ago, I wrote a blog about my Fight Song. Joints were starting to creek more and more, aches were demanding rest and I was trying to navigate being the “fighter” that I am, but also surrendering to the needs my body demands. At the time, I wasn’t ready to give up the life I thought I wanted … no. The life I thought I needed.
So, I fought until it put me straight in the hospital with a hole in my bladder … and my heart.
The fight to recover was not only physical, but mental. Those closest could see the fear. It was palpable in the room, really. The fear that it’s all over, and I will die of scepsis because my “fighter body” even fought the medications that could kill that infection.
It’s actually kinda funny, now that I think about it. I am SUCH a fighter, that even the bacteria morphed into indestructible soldiers, who would not succumb to an antibiotic that could save me! Actually makes me giggle a little.
But today, I am here to tell you something different. You see, the reason I haven’t written since Christmas is because I continued to fight. I continued to convince myself, my husband … and my God (which is hilarious in itself) that I can still do this. I can STILL be that independent, working career girl I always dreamed. Even though, in order to be that girl, I had to wake up at 5am, take a medication that made me sick as a dog … and pull into work at 11am!
Yeah. I fought alright, I fought to keep that Degree of mine useful. I also fought to “pull my weight” when it came to pay stubs, health insurance, etc.
I fought so hard, y’all. So hard that I lost a little bit of who I am. That is the truth.
The past 6 months have been some of the hardest. Truly. I have worked 3 days a week, gone to doctor appointments the other 2, fitting in ultrasounds, MRI’s, lab draws … OMG, the medical demands have been completely overwhelming. And at the end of this miserable routine, I sat on the couch feeling weak, nauseated and eating yogurts, ice creams, to keep myself from feeling worse. It has been the most unhealthy (in every way) season of my life.
My mental strength has struggled more now, than ever. So has my physical. And I beg the good Lord in every morning shower to just give me some relief, PLEASE! I have whispered and screamed desperate prayers to my Savior … knowing that I am in fellowship with His suffering, but really just wanting OUT. That is also the truth.
God permits what He hates, to accomplish what He loves.
My dear friend Joni wrote this many years ago, and continues to speak this over the lives of people who need to hear it. And boy is this girl one of those people.
The Lord has given me no choice, but to leave my job – my career – and lay down whatever it is I think I need, at His feet. To accept what He knows I need.
He has called me to surrender. Probably the hardest calling on this fighter-girl’s life. But what I have grown to love about this miserable season is that truth: God permits what He hates to see me endure, to accomplish what He loves in me … and outside of me.
So I’m back friends to tell you so many things that will come in time … But my message today is, I surrender. White flag is up. Health is down, but the Hope of His accomplishing love in my life is my driving force to endure this very heavy cross, with His grace covering each crooked step I take.
He has provided what I need to get through the journey, and He has even provided a man to lift the cross off my soldiers daily. How incredible is God’s love and grace is toward me.
I urge you to SURRENDER whatever it is that is holding you down, not back. I believe that fears want to drive us down: down into the couch, the junk food, the television, the solitude … the enemy loves fear. It is one of his greatest weapons against us. But it does not stand a CHANCE against the God who loves us. Not a chance. Don’t ever forget that, like I have so many times.
You know that funny social media slogan? “Living my best life” makes me laugh like everyone else but, there’s actually some truth we can find in that. I’d just like to change one word …
Living HIS best life.
Live out what He wants for your life, and learn from this fighter that it’s not always worth the fight. It is far sweeter to fall into the arms of the God of all and let Him do the fighting. Believing that He will make a way through the deep waters.
He will. So, I surrender. I have taken this insane step of faith and let go of everything I worked for. I believe He will provide for us, but more importantly I believe He will make a WAY for us. Heck, He is the way.
All to Jesus, I surrender. Help me Lord not to fight.
All my heart,