We’ve decided to let go of cable. This wasn’t an easy decision for me, actually – it was incredibly hard. Please, before there’s judgement let me explain. Since January 7, 2015 things have not been the same. Many of you might remember that day … actually, over 300 of you poured out so much love to my husband & I that our hearts crumbled in humility. We felt so loved, so encouraged & so unworthy.
I’ll never forget that day. It was a day I just couldn’t do THIS anymore. This is hard to share, but I actually said to my husband he made a huge mistake marrying me … because MRI’s don’t lie … these bones are weak, fragile & broken. How could I ever be a good wife to him? I cannot cook, clean or carry this household. My pain keeps me from wanting to be hugged or touched. How could I ever be good for him? How could I EVER fulfill the duties of a wife? And I was so tired of carrying the weight of that cross. So freaking tired. So I said it … but definitely regretted it.
Instead of agreeing with my sadness, he got angry. I’ll never forget it. Edward Frys got angry with me. Like, really angry. He told me how dare I say that about his wife. How dare I fear our future. How dare I mistrust him … mistrust God. He sobbed & sobbed. I was in shock, I’ve never seen that reaction from him, so I just stood there – processing what he must be feeling. After a few minutes, the Holy Spirit fell heavy on my shoulders & opened my eyes to what I was doing to him … one of the most precious gifts God’s ever given to me.
So I apologized, fell into his arms & cried out for help.
That’s when you came in. The outpouring reminded me how POWERFUL the Lord is. How much He’s done with my life, how much He is still doing … even as I battled Doctors’ rejections, downing pill after new pill, & spending every free minute I had on the couch … the Lord’s power was still with me.
And He still had a plan in all of this.
I haven’t navigated the coping of this new life so well, I’m afraid. I’ve spent much time lying down on our comfy couch, flipping through channels moreso than EVER before. I have tried to “get out” of my reality & jump into the altered reality of TV. I have gained weight, struggled even walking. I have flipped out over the tiniest things … Like Darla leaving her toy in my path, causing a hard fall to the ground with a trick knee … I have gotten angry with God, I have been hurt by this debilitating existence, both physically & emotionally.
I have felt DONE, finished, & just … completely over it.
Yet … isn’t that an amazing word, YET … the Lord has not failed me. He has stayed here in this house with me. He has watched my endless efforts to cope, He has tolerated my fits & carried me when I was hurt … He has not judged me, He has not left me. And that is what I was reminded of one morning in January.
I wake up at 4:30am now. Literally, every morning … the headaches are what is waking me. I studied causes of morning migraines & saw my own bad behaviors in every single one of them … not winding down properly, not exercising, not forcing myself to be calm … keep away from TV … & not resting in the only thing that can literally bring me comfort at this point, that’s His truth.
So as I put on my make-up that morning, I started humming “this is my fight song.” I’m not sure why, I just did. Darla came barreling into the bathroom, jumping up on me, making me laugh because apparently, she liked Mommy’s singing. So I kept singing. I remembered each word, holding Darla & dancing with her in the bathroom … laughing, feeling happy … then suddenly, tears. Uncontrollable tears as I kept singing …
“this is my fight song, take back my life song, prove I’m alright sooooong … my power’s TURNED UP, starting right now I’ll be strong … this is my fight sooooong … and I don’t really care if nobody else belieeeeeves, cause I’ve still GOT A LOTTA FIGHT LEFT IN ME!”
Take back my life.
If I could play a film of my life, I think it would truly be hilarious, endearing, emotional, inspiring … a true game-changer, & not only for the viewer … but for me, too. Over the past week I have forced myself to rummage through old pictures, remember every season I’ve faced & who I was then.
I NEED to remember the life I had before January 7, 2015. I NEED to see that little ballerina, with her skinny legs & stout little body … desperately trying to hold herself up so high, so she could look like the real deal.
I NEED to see that girl in high school … the one who never missed a day of church … never stopped believing, NEVER stopped daydreaming (yes, I did this a lot. Mostly about my wedding.) … & never stopped smiling.
I NEED to see that scooter girl in college, racing around campus, chasing her friends & her dreams. I need to see her crawl into her closet & pray, tears running down her face, asking if I could please have a husband … of course saying, if it is only His will … but really, really, REALLY hoping it is. 🙂
I need to see that girl. I need to see the girl who used to FIGHT for her life. I need to see the girl who never took “no” for an answer … I need to see the girl who would LAUGH at the fears of others, & race that snowmobile down the mountain chasing them … I need to see the girl that laid out all of her insecurities on national television, holding such strength in a vulnerable interview … I need to see her fall in love, risk her whole heart … her whole existence for one man’s affection. I need to see her. I need her right now. I need to FIGHT for her.
So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna turn that dang TV OFF, ship Uverse straight out the door & fight. I’m gonna take my girls on walks (requesting prayer in this, Darla’s a terror), laugh with my besties, sit in a too-cool-for school coffee-shop & enjoy the over-priced latte … I’m gonna film my cake guy in our kitchen, & cheer on his dreams … I’m gonna shop with my sisters, laugh with my mom, talk with my dad … I’m gonna flirt with my husband, pray for him, support him … I’m gonna write, because it’s what I love to do.
I’m gonna FIGHT for that girl … Because you know what? She’s worth fighting for.
AND I STILL GOT A LOTTA FIGHT LEFT IN ME.