Today was hell. Strike that … this morning was hell. Every broken piece of my disability reared it’s humungous head and struck misery straight through my body and heart. Awake at 4am in the hot-tub, I willed my body to just work … feel well … toughen up and get to the office.
But with a flushed face, hardened gut and faint heart, I sobbed a prayer of complete disappointment … not in myself, but in God’s plan. I laid my head on the edge of the pool, mind racing and heart pounding. It was too much and my sobs were deep, desperate and lonely.
Crawling out of the tub, I then felt a shooting pain up my right foot. One of my broken toes (yes, I have 2 broken toes) had a new callous and I couldn’t take one step without this annoyance.
To boot, I had swollen eyes and a sore throat.
It was just one of those mornings and I drove to work depressed, angry at God and desperate to hear from Him. ANYTHING from Him. I wanted Him and needed Him, even if He was mad at me too … I needed to know He was at least with me.
And because I believe the Living God hears each word I cry, I turned on Pandora … every single song that played was one of “our” songs. Jesus and mine.
Oceans.. Your grace abounds in deepest waters, your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you’ve never failed.
Even If.. I know you’re able and I know you can, save through the fire with your mighty hand. But even if you don’t, my hope is you alone.
Good, good Father.. You’re a good, good father – it’s who you are. And I’m loved by you.
And that is just to name a few! Every song, was ours. These truths comforted my heart and mind in a way no one on this earth ever could. But His love didn’t stop there … it continued.
Joni Eareckson Tada is celebrating 50 years in her wheelchair today. Joni is one of my heroes and has now lived as a quadriplegic for half a century. So as I scrolled through several mutual friends sharing her anniversary, I stumbled upon the most powerful blog she’s ever written and words my weary heart desperately needed. With every troubling story told, tears flew down my cheeks and comfort seeped into my soul, because I related to and understood her pain. Especially today.
Just as she endured deep depression and chased the trappings of this world to numb her circumstances, I felt less alone in my anger. But to read this heroine soldier on for the glory of the God I love, it was a reminder that He is enough … for all of us. And all of this is for HIS GLORY and my good.
But because the Lord is relentless when it comes to my heartbreak days, there was one last love note. I received an email from Norway an hour ago. A sweet pastor watched my story on “Joni and Friends” this evening and decided to send a note of encouragement.
“What impressed me the most tonight, was to hear your honesty. May God continue to make you an instrument in sharing his love through your unique story.”
It’s funny to think I was on someone’s television in Norway this evening … on one of the worst days I’ve had in a while. Coincidence? No. I don’t serve a God of coincidence. I serve a sovereign God who has His hand in and over all things. All circumstances. All lives.
So this is the thing, I am frustrated. At times I am depressed. What little health I have, is slipping away every broken day … and my heart is breaking a little more right along with it. This life has become unbearable at times, and I find myself screaming at my husband for things he has no control over … no healing to offer me … but I scream because my heart is broken. And I need someone to fix that.
My feet are literally failing me. So is my gut. My back. My heart.
But his grace abounds in deepest waters. It abounds. It doesn’t just trickle in, it floods in to the broken pieces of our lives. And he’s a good father … one that loves us, wants us and will heal us. Even if he doesn’t heal these broken bones, gut, back, head and heart … my hope is still Him alone. And it always will be.
So tonight, I write this for my King. I share this brokenness for His glory. I thank Him for the healing in happy memories, songs of hope and encouragement received by Norwegian strangers. I thank Him for choosing me to bear this cross for His glory and my good. And I beg Him to push my heart to feel the same as my sweet friend, Joni’s:
I really would rather be in this wheelchair knowing Jesus as I do, than be on my feet without him. – Joni Tada
I want to desire Him, more than I desire the healing He could give. I want to know Him deeply … and if this suffering gets me there, then bring it on. I’m all in, because He is all that really matters.
And I thank Him for sweet reminders that I am His vessel, His glory-story … and always will be.