THE story is coming, I promise. I’ve worked on it for a few days. There’s so much to say, but my body keeps me weak … & my mind does too.
I met a gal in the hospital. Well, a Physician Assistance actually. Her name is Robyn & she has followed my case along with my new Internal Medicine guy, Dr. Singh. She checked on me daily, giving advice, encouraging me to wait for the culture to identify the bug & THEN we would develop a plan.
So here’s the embarrassing truth about me. I am a W O R R I E R. I’m sure when you read my blogs you picture this girl of strength & courage … never doubting the Lord or His timing, plans & truths. Well, that is just not the whole truth of who I am.
It is who I WANT to be, with every fiber that’s in my soul. I want to be the girl reciting scripture to MYSELF along with my friends. But many times I start with those I love & end it there. I find it easier to battle for others, than I do for me. Maybe that’s where the whole term came: “practice what you preach.”
My father told me years ago King David had to encourage himself when he had been cast out & alone. He’s told me that over & over … Implying that I feel alone, because I am. There’s not many who can relate to this exact situation. I have a couple girlfriends I can talk to about B&B’s (Holly + Mari are gonna get this one) … but my condition differs a bit from theirs & vice versa.
And that is the case for us all, actually. Sure we can go through similar struggles & heartbreak, but maybe you don’t have faith-filled parents like I do … or maybe I don’t have kids like you do … we’re all different, unique & special. Each with our own cross to bear. We’re all in need of a little “encourage yourself” kind of lecture.
Back to Robyn … She’s a believer. The last day I was in the hospital (this time around) we started talking about how I have GOBS of questions for her every time she’s in my room. 🙂 We both laughed about it, because I turn a 5 minute talk into a 20 minute one. I told her she needed to get USED to it, because I am the girl that will do EVERYTHING to fight for my health.
Instead of poking fun of me, she said: “You’re actually an inspiration. I wish I could take a picture of you & show to all of my other patients! You try … most don’t. And doctors love patients like you.” Or something like that.
Then I was honest with her & told her my faith keeps me trying (I usually don’t share that in these settings). But THAT is when the magic happened & a door opened to discuss how FAITHFUL the Lord has been to us both. And my weary heart needed it in that moment.
So yesterday … my symptoms were worse. I woke up feeling the burning sensation all over my body. I had pain in my bladder the night before, didn’t sleep even 5 minutes & was nauseated all morning long. I felt weak, so weak that I held onto the wall as I walked down the hallway. So I caved to these fears & sent sweet Robyn a Facebook Message (or several ;)) telling her my symptoms & asking for advice. I was terrified the medication wasn’t working & I was going to go back to the hospital.
She calmed me down, explaining the medication itself & that this infection will be a long process. She told me it will get worse, before it gets better. And as our little conversation went on, seeing that I was truly scared, she said this:
Try not to worry, that’s the enemy trying to steal your joy. Ephesians 6:11 “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.”
In that moment I saw it clear as day … I wasn’t just worrying, I was also NOT trusting Him. Isn’t that what worry is?
I’ve seen hundreds of clinicians in my 33 years & this is the FIRST TIME EVER that anyone has discussed their faith with me. This is also the first time that anyone has prescribed something better than an antibiotic … but truth. I feel a special luck to have her now in my life. I can be completely open & honest with her about not only my medical state, but my spiritual one too. That’s almost unheard of in this field. I mean it.
So today, I don’t feel lightyears better. I really don’t. But I feel a LITTLE better & that is huge right now. And when my fears start taking over my body, I will remember Ephesians 6. I will remember to stand firm with the belt of truth (& ignore the lies in my head) … & when I see the braces on my frail feet below, I’ll know they TOO can be fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
And when the enemy shoots arrows of WORRY & fear at my heart, I’ll encourage myself to take up the shield of faith, which will extinguish all of his fires. I’ll keep my head bent down with the helmet of salvation & STICK OUT my crutch as a reminder that God’s word is the sword of the Spirit!
So even though I’m not 100% … the Armor of God does not fail. And this girl is going to suit up & fight these fears I hold inside, because God has not brought me this far, just to leave me to my own devices. Those will NEVER work. His armor always will.
This is HIS fight song.