I have a very vulnerable, yet honest, confession to give to all of you. The unfolding of my life story has been surprisingly beautiful {& I do mean surprising} … but at times, {& especially now} unbearably difficult.

I am in a place of surrender. This time last year, I wanted to fight. I wanted to keep fighting for the life God has always given me. I wanted the miracles to continue & to be blessed with strength, wisdom & audaciousness to face the challenges I’ve always had & the new challenges that are bound to come.

But the hand to God truth is, I have been in a season of discouragement. Clinicians would deem me depressed & have actually done so recently … but I know better. I know deep in my soul that I’ve just lost the will to keep fighting.  The thing is, when you wake up every single morning in intense pain, down a handful of mild medications to keep it at-bay & force your broken body to do intense & stressful work … it eventually breaks not only your bones, but your heart.

When I turn my neck, it now cracks at least 2-3 times. When I bend my knees to sit, it sounds like crackling rubber bands. My spine looks like a noodle on an x-ray & there’s about 11 inches from my shoulder to my hip. For real, my husband measured it. I don’t want sympathy, but I need to confess how hard things have gotten for me … & Eddy.

So being “depressed” or disoucraged has come in facing my declining health. I feel desperately alone in my suffering & that makes it even worse mentally & emotionally. My heart is turned off & my mind can’t stop the racing thoughts of fear & stress. This has been the past 4 months for me. Ever since we returned from Mexico.

I’ve had 2 kidney infections in 2 months. And I know I’ve shared with you all that I was born with just 1 kidney. Funny how the choices you make in life often parallel with something very real in your life … why else would I pick dialysis & transplant as my field? Did God lead me there or was it my subconscious wanting to know what renal failure looked like? Something I’ve feared for a long time.

I’m home today battling the 2nd kidney infection & texting my Doc back & forth … “what do we do now?” My creatinine is elevated {the # that measures kidney function} & I can’t bear the thought of my kidney actually failing. I can’t.

So maybe with the chronic pain, the infections & stress my husband is also facing … I’ve thrown the white flag of surrender. I just want to lay down & lose myself in ANYTHING, but reality.

Yet .. that quiet, gentle, persistent presence reminds me I am not alone. I may not have an exact human I can relate to … but I do have the God of us all living within me. He never left, I just stopped paying attention & faced these challenges with sadness & frustration.

The Lord FOR REAL answers prayers, even when you’re mad at Him. I had a cathartic moment with a random Nurse Practitioner on Friday. She works in kidney transplant too & we gabbed about the challenges Social Worker face in it.

As she turned to my med list, she took one look at me & said, “You take all of these medications just to avoid pain pills, don’t you?” I responded, “Yes ma’am.”

“Sweetheart, you are stronger than you think you are.”

I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I sobbed on her shoulder & she returned the most sincere hug any Clinician has ever given me … And this is the weird thing. Earlier that morning I asked the Lord to send me a friend. Someone I could just talk to & I’ve NEVER asked him for that, because I have gobs of friends who love me.  But I asked & He did. He sent Michelle, the Nurse Practitioner, who understood everything I was going through, without ME having to explain it.

How insane is that? If that doesn’t shake a person out of discouragement, I don’t know what will.

This is the truth. I have been silently suffering, because I worry even my Facebook & Blog friends are exhausted with this story … but I can’t worry about that anymore.

This IS my story & it’s my song. Praising {& pleading with} my Savior all. day. long.

So if you’re feeling discouraged, know that you are not alone. I for one am with you & understand … yet the God of all will be the one to comfort you. And that will be enough to change your mind & keep fighting.

It did for me.

Sincerely, Holly

“This is my heart song. I cannot fight song. I want to cry song … But my heart is turning, so starting right now I’m leaning, into Your love song. And I don’t really care if nobody else can see … Cause I’ve still got a lotta heart left in me.”